More of our “Fridays are for fun!”. If you have a clean joke we’d love you to share it with us!

Artery: the study of paintings, Barium: what doctors do when patients die, Caesarean section: a neighbourhood in Rome, Cauterize: made eye contact with her, Dilate: to live long, Fibula: a small lie, Impotent: distinguished or well known, Labour Pain: getting hurt at work, Morbid: a higher offer, Nitrates: cheaper than day rates, Post-Operative: letter carrier, Recovery Room: place to do upholstery, Urine: opposite of “You’re out”

Todays’ Friday and Fridays are for fun! Here’s this week’s best emailed joke:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure, who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money first.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar, as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard,who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared …….

(You’re going to hate me for this …)

‘ARTIE CHOKES TWO for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!’

Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the ice.” Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice.” Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, “There are no fish under the ice.” Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, “Is that you, Lord?” The voice replied, “No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.”

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and, spotting a woman tending to the flowers in her garden shouted, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be an Accountant,’ said the balloonist. ‘I am,’ said the woman, ‘How did you know?’ 

‘Well everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.’

The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’ ‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it’s now become my fault!’

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT; In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS; In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN; In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD; Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?; Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS; Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR; Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR; Notice in a farmer’s field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a Plumber’s truck: ‘We repair what your husband fixed.’
On another Plumber’s truck: ‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.’
At a Towing company: ‘We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.’
On an Electrician’s truck: ‘Let us remove your shorts.’
At a Radiator shop: ‘Best place in town to take a leak.’
On a Taxidermist’s window: ‘We really know our stuff.’
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: ‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: ‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’
And on a Maternity Room door: ‘Push. Push. Push.’

Kev and Bill were talking one day. “My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocers,” said Kevin.

“So were you able to find some?” enquired Bill.

Well when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” Kevin continued, The shopkeeper told me, “No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

Darragh O’Malley was driving his lorry through Dublin when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 3 metre max headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not. “A shure I’ll give it a go,” he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Darragh sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door. “What do you think you are doing?” demanded the policeman in a sharp tone.

“Sure I’m having me tea break,” replied Darragh. “And what do you work at?” enquired the policeman. “Agh shure, I deliver bridges,” smiled Darragh.

2. How do you know Santa has to be a man? Because no woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!