I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize;

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever…. so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

6) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

7) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

10) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

13) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

14) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

15) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

16) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?.

17) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

18) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

19) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

20) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

21) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

22) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, “Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital”!

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

Father O’Malley was pulled up for speeding. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

“Father, have you been drinking?”, the officer asked. “Only water my son”, replied Fr O’Malley. “The how come I can smell wine?” the policeman enquired.

The priest looked at the bottle and said: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says. ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that!’

It’s a slow day in a little Western Queensland town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from the Gold Coast is driving through town. He stops at the Royal Hotel lays a $100 note on the (rickety) desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks the creaky old stairs the owner grabs the $100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill for fuel and groceries. The manager of the Co-op takes the $100 and sneaks out to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to resort to offering her “services” on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller creaks down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.