Today’s Friday so here’s the best of the emailed jokes we’ve seen this week!

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize;

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever…. so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Fridays are for fun so here’s the best of the bunch we’ve seen on email this week. And yes we’d love to hear your clean joke!

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

6) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

7) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

10) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

13) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

14) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

15) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

16) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?.

17) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

18) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

19) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

20) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

21) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

22) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

MONEY: A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A  woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house